Happiness and the Gender War, How Can We End it Once and For All?

I watched this video on YouTube where David Banner talked about his father condemning him for smiling at 10. His father said “what are you smiling for? I pay all the bills around here and I’m not even happy”, David Banner explained he didn’t smile again for 11 years. I commented on the post saying how this makes me sad and may all men know their happiness matters too…another women replied saying “May they know that others  happiness matters, not just their own”. It really made me think how we are programmed to hate men.

Ladies, it is not our responsibility to make men happy, but only seeing men in a selfish light is perpetuating cycles that harm all of us. When men are happy, and not siphoning the energy from women, but genuinely happy with themselves, they make sure the rest of the people around them are happy too. Men are the foundation, and they must take care of their mental health in order for women and children to thrive. A happy man provides and protects his wife’s mental health which in turn allows her to focus on the children, or passion projects that help all of us. He creates safety because he is safe within himself.

Happiness is ALWAYS an internal job, and if you are attracting unhappy, selfish men that is because there is something inside you that wants to mother them or fix them. All while ignoring your own happiness. This is completely backwards. Once you realize the pattern, you can break it.

I have two sons, and have been around plenty of wonderful men. I have also been around some not so great ones. The not so great ones were not happy with themselves, and in turn tried to punish me for being happy, even with nothing. A happy man, one who is truly happy with his soul, would never cause harm to those around them, especially his wife and children.

It is imperative for society to start viewing men in a different light. As humans, men struggle with programming the same way women do. Society and media show us consistently how awful men are, constantly cracking jokes at their expense. Not supporting their genuine true nature. Men are GIVERS. They give life, and women birth it. One cannot exist without the other. Connecting with unhappy men will have you birthing an unhappy life.

Women can help correct this. We can encourage the men around us to find their own happiness. We can heal ourselves so we don’t attract men we need to mother, but men that can give us LIFE.   We can hold ourselves and others accountable for their own dysfunction and not take it on as our own. When you consistently look for flaws in others, you will find them. When you consistently look for the good in others, you will find that too.

When two people come together who have done the inner work to cultivate happiness from inside, despite any external circumstances, they become a powerhouse of energy inspiring everyone around them. This is divine union. Sacred and holy love pouring into another from overflow, not from lack.

A happy man, loving his partner, creates a partner that is free. A partner that dances in the kitchen, and sings to her children. A woman who has the ability to pour into others, creating fulfillment in herself and those around her. She magnifies what he is giving her. Keeping a man who is stuck in cycles of unhappiness, guilt, shame and blame only to serve you, or your wounded mentality, creates more cycles of harm-for you, your children, your creativity. Men falsely chasing happiness or security outside of themselves will never be able to truly see you and the magic you create in their life. Let them go.

It is not our job to fix men, but it is our job to create a space where men can be happy, fulfilled, loving and kind without demeaning them into something they are not. Unhappy men are insecure at the core, never fully allowing themselves to be loved. Using women to create a false sense of security in their “manhood”. A big part of this is because they have been programmed that this is how men should be. Sacrificial, unhappy, non-committal, work horses. A happy man, following his own path, will work ten times harder for you and your family. I have actually never met a man who didn’t deeply crave romance, intimacy, monogamy, and love; but they hid it because they have been told this isn’t masculine. In actuality, this level of love and devotion is the MOST masculine.

If your man isn’t happy, stop trying to fix him, and let him go. Let him find the healing he needs, and go work on yourself. It isn’t your job to cater to him, but love him enough to let him find himself, who he is at the core without society trying to define what a man is. It’s your job to pour into yourself, set boundaries and expectations for your own life. You don’t have to fight for a man to love you right, you just have to love yourself enough to know the right one will.

Men, your woman is a reflection of your inner most feelings about yourself. How she treats you is a mirror to how you treat yourself. Want your wife to love you better? Love yourself. This doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want and be selfish, this means talking to yourself in a loving, kind way. This means cultivating internal self-worth. This means creating self-discipline that makes you feel honorable. This means creating a safe space internally to have feelings, needs, wants and learning how to express them in a loving, kind, respectful way. It's acknowledging you need support too. When you can hold space for your own feelings, you will stop reacting and rejecting your partner when she expresses hers. This is how a woman feels safe. A safe woman is open and willing to create the life of your dreams. She is open to exploring all sides of life with you, making your fantasies a reality…in every sense of the word.

We need to stop exporting our happiness on other people, our bank accounts, or anything else we think defines us as “good enough”. We ALL are good enough as healed individuals who love and respect ourselves and others. It’s in the way we laugh, we nurture, we create space for others just to BE, heal, think and express our own individuality. It will always start with us and how we show up for ourselves first. Learn to love yourself so the world can heal this dysfunction. Stop being at war with yourself, constantly raising the bar and redefining WHEN you get to be happy. You can be happy now, it’s a choice, a perspective, a decision to be made every day.

Allowing your external happiness to be dependent  on your job title, your bank account, your body or your relationship is giving your power away to those things. It is keeping you tethered to circumstances outside of your control. Take your power back and create the happiness and love you want from the inside first, and then it will be reflected in your outer world.

We need happy men, we need happy women, so the next generation doesn’t martyr themselves to the world. Happiness comes from being disciplined to yourself, creating an internal world where your feelings are valid, heard, seen and respected in which your external world reflects your intrinsic self-worth. It will always start with you. Heal the hurt inside you so you can fully receive the life and love you truly desire. Heal your hurt so you don’t take on others pain or perpetuate cycles of demeaning an entire gender.

No one is perfect, but we all are deserving of love, care, compassion, and true happiness. Stop delaying it, and start accepting that is the only truth. Your life, your children, your creative pursuits, the world, literally depends on it. 💖

My life completely changed when I started doing the work to fix myself, and not others. When I started seeing how people treat me is a reflection of themselves, not a reflection of me. How I treat others, is the reflection of who I truly am. I am still a work in progress, but little moments show me how far I have come. While writing this, my sweet seven year old neighbor gave me a bracelet she made with my name on it, decorated with stars. She said she made it for me because I want everyone to be happy and I always tell them they’re a star. Be the one people remember as lifting them up, not tearing them down. Be the one who creates space for others to feel, be heard, and seen for their magic. It’s more important than you will ever know.

If you need help finding your center, your self-worth, that internal voice that whispers "you are worthy", reach out. I would love to work with you to find that little voice, that always knew it was worth more. If I can find my way out of the pits of darkness, anyway can. It is our soul's reason for being here.