It’s weird being called to put yourself out there when you really don’t like being seen. The perfectionist in me cringes at the very thought of “the whole world” being able to see me. I know it’s part of my growth to share my story, to learn to be seen, to allow others to see the good in me. But it’s terrifying. It’s not the judgement I mind, it’s not even the prying eyes, it’s more the idea of what if I get it wrong that haunts me and keeps me from taking the plunge, making my next move, allowing others to really see me.
At some point you have to get rid of the what if’s because that is all they are, what if’s. You have to trust yourself, trust God and take the leap of faith into the unknown. Putting my business out there and calling myself an intuitive healer and an astrologer with ZERO proof that I am that to others is opening myself up for a lot of criticism and judgement, and old stories of not being good enough linger in my head. But you know what? I am good enough. I don’t need a gazillion certificates to tell me who God called me to be, I am a witness to it every day. I know who I am, and I can’t be scared of it anymore. I am magic in a bottle and I want to share my potion with others so they can learn to truly let go of the old programming and embrace their higher self, free of restrictions, free of fear, and free of the guilt and shame to be own’s authentic self.
These last two years have knocked me on my you know what…most people try for years to have a kundalini awakening. They are folks immersed in the spiritual community, going to ayahuasca ceremonies, eating mushrooms…doing all of the things to reach enlightenment. These folks are prepared and knowledgeable of what is to come…I was not one of those people. I was unprepared. I was not spiritual at all, not striving for enlightenment, just a normal mom barely making it through her life in the suburbs. From the outside looking in my life was pretty great actually; I had a Husband that I had been with since I was 18 (20 years at the time), three beautiful kids, a house in a nice neighborhood, a great job. What more could I want? Well, truth be told I didn’t know. I knew I wasn’t happy, but my life had been so focused on other people’s happiness, I didn’t really care about my own. I LIKE making other people happy, I like caring about other people and knowing the little things about them. Making other people DOES make me happy, so I just never really took the time to consider if I was I being taken care of, if I was in love with my life or was I settling? Deep down I knew I was settling. I knew I wanted more but I didn’t know how to ask for it, or I didn’t feel worthy of asking for more.
As a female I have always been told that my dreams weren’t realistic, they were fantasy, fairy-tale visions that were not based in reality. Visions I had of love, romance, family, were nothing like I had experienced growing up. It’s hard to feel worthy of something you’ve never experienced, especially when those closest to you tell you it isn’t real. From a very early age I became a realist, hiding the parts of me that believes in everyday magic. The magic of love, the magic of family, the magic of God and Angels woven into the everyday. Hiding the most sacred part of me lead me into a life that was not mine.
I have now spent two years unweaving a life that I wove together around an image that was never me. I am not a realist. I am a magic maker who has been through some of the darkest of storms just to see the other side. I hold such a reverence for the life I built when I was living for the love of other people, but now that I found the love for myself I can never go back. I can forgive myself and release the shame and trauma I held onto for so long. I am grateful for the lessons, the love and the people that helped get me through. If I can make it through these last two years, I can make it through anything.
One of the main focuses of my life has always been relationships and childhood trauma. My childhood was dramatic to say the least and on the adverse childhood experience scale I rank top tier. That was always a competition I could win. My childhood trauma was so much apart of me that I just accepted it. I didn’t truly feel it or see all of it. There was the obvious mother abandonment issues seeing as my mother left when I was about 7 or 8 and we didn’t really have a great relationship after that, but what about everything else? I never paid attention. I didn’t pay attention as a child because I was so focused on managing my father’s chaos, and he was not worried about how I felt so it made it easy to skate right on by my feelings and my experience on this planet. I became a super empath who could empathize with even her abusers experience to rationalize poor, inconsiderate and often detrimental behavior. I knew my father had a traumatic childhood so I often justified his behavior, or felt sorry for him. Even as I write this, I want to justify all the good my father was too. He wasn’t all bad, and I know he raised me the best he could, but two things can be true at the same time. My father did his best, and his best was traumatizing for me. While I now am thankful for the life I have lived because it made me who I am, and it has helped me be more empathetic and non-judgmental to others, it really did a number on me and I have had to reparent myself entirely.
When you grow up in an environment that doesn’t demonstrate an interest in who you are, your feelings, or your experiences you either create an over inflated ego where you develop narcissistic traits or your ego under develops and you learn to dissociate from your experience. Both are trauma responses from growing up in an unbalanced environment. The universe operates on balance, balance of the ego and soul between one self first, close partnerships second, and then universally third. When you yourself are out of balance and are operating more out of ego than soul, or you are disconnected from your self entirely, you will attract relationships to reflect this imbalance to you.
My motto is you have to feel it to heal it, and even if you know WHY someone treated you a particular way it does not mean you didn’t experience something that needs to be felt. Honoring my experience as a child, in my adult relationships, and taking ownership over it has freed me. A lot of times we think when we die our souls are healed, the lessons have been learnt and we are free but that is not true. Earth is a place for your soul to feel, experience, learn and grow. When you bypass the experience by either disassociating or operating from an over inflated ego, you bypass the lessons, you bypass the growth and your soul doesn’t evolve. The only way through evolution is to experience it fully, even when it hurts. Ascension to heaven happens on earth, through our experiences. What you don’t learn in this lifetime, you will continue to try and learn in others.
I chose my parents, my chaotic childhood, the emotional replication in my adult relationships. I chose all of it. I chose it because there were lessons in all of it. Through the trauma I learned how to honor my experience; I learned how to speak up for myself; I learned to not need validation from anyone and truly rely solely on myself. Most importantly I now know how to rely solely on God, have faith in the unseen, and truly love and honor my authentic self. Without those experiences I wouldn’t be who I am today. I used to want to help people because it fed my ego, but now I want to help people because my ego is healed, and I want others to find the balance within as well.
It is my mission to help others connect the dots, heal their past traumas (hint not all are from this life), and develop healthy relationship patterns. God does not want us to live an unbalanced life, He wants us to love ourselves, honor ourselves, AND serve others. Finding the balance between self and others can be difficult when you have trauma stored in the subconscious and you are still operating with an unbalanced ego. Reparenting yourself, releasing the trauma, releasing the shame and guilt from past experiences, all takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to release the old programming and step into your authentic self.
Currently we have a major internal evolution happening, folks everywhere are going to be experiencing what I went through these last two years. An emotional unfolding to help get them back to their core, true self. We can no longer hide behind the masks, masks of an ego that never really knew the real us. It is time we all lead with our hearts, connect to our own truth, and release the programming we have been sold for years. As we each step into our higher, more authentic selves we give permission for others to do the same. So if putting myself out there, sharing bits of my story, bits of astrology, bits of my journey inspires one of you to do the same, it’s worth it. Step into yourself, the world wants to see you shine.
This is for her...she was always worth it.
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