When I first began my spiritual journey, it was about a month of bliss before what they so accurately call the dark night of the soul kicked into high gear. Now if you haven’t yet gone through this, it can be a lot. The dark night of the soul is essentially where your ego collapses, and everything in you that you have suppressed bubbles up to the surface and you have no choice but to go through it. Every memory, thought, and most importantly feeling that you have denied yourself the time to feel comes up for you to deal with it. Some days it literally felt like I was getting emotionally whipped, just driving down the road and BAM! I was hit with a lightning bolt of memories that were very uncomfortable. On top of this you have this newfound awareness of the truth and it’s all a lot to deal with. Mine was also coupled with discovering my gifts, so as my chakras opened up and released what they had been holding for 38 years, the more I was able to tap into this universal energy life force. It was a lot, and seeing as I am a recovering people pleaser I wanted to “do” my awakening “perfectly”. I absolutely did not want to make a mistake, disappoint God, and fail the Universe…yes, I actually for a time felt the awakening of humanity was on my back and if I failed, we would not ascend. Which is absolutely bonkers. It’s not that I felt like I was that powerful, I just felt that God was asking me to be that responsible. Which fed right into my people pleasing, always responsible for everyone else’s happiness narrative.
On top of this narrative that I was solely responsible for the world’s ascension, I also very much did not want to be the stereotypical spiritual person. After my parents got divorced my Mom went “full woo-woo”. She left us with our Dad and went to Spiritual retreats across the country, travelled to Egypt, carried crystals, talked about Reiki and healing with her hands and my father made sure we knew she was crazy. So, imagine here I am getting divorced with three kids all similar ages to me and my two sibs when my parents divorced, going through the same spiritual awakening as my mother and TERRIFIED I am going crazy like her. Now I knew I wasn’t going crazy because the truth was I had never been more alive, aware, and cognizant. I also knew I would never abandon my kids like she did, but learning to trust myself and release the narrative of my mother was an added layer to my healing journey. My whole life I had resisted this side of myself that was so much like my mother, because the other half of me (my father), thought she was crazy. This ultimately caused a split within myself where my more masculine side did not trust my feminine at all. For 38 years I had denied my intuition, my feelings, my heart…I led my life through my mind, through logic and really denied this other part of me.
After my awakening I was no longer able to deny this part of myself, because it slowly became my favorite part of myself. Following my heart, my intuition, my dreams has truly opened up magical experiences for me, new friendships, new joy, and a new outlook on life. Following this part of me has led me away from a lot of the programming I grew up with, but it wasn’t without resistance. As you begin to heal yourself, and heal conditionings that no longer support your growth, you become very tired. Your nervous system has to retrain itself from flight or fight response to a slower, safer response and that takes TIME. Your inner child needs to learn to trust that you will listen to them and treat them with respect. You truly need to reparent yourself, learn to tell yourself different stories, and learn to take care of yourself-mind, body and soul. In general, most of us do not want to take the time to feel, to process our thoughts, and make conscious choices. Our society rewards “productivity” and if you aren’t producing, you aren’t worthy.
Over these last few years, collectively we all have started to heal parts of ourselves we kept hidden. When you resist a feeling, you are resisting the soul lesson tied to it and that feeling will keep coming up for you to deal with. Our society has given labels to feelings such as shame, guilt, fear, anger, sadness, and even desire as bad and as children most of us learned that when we had these feelings, we were scolded and taught to deal with them in isolation. This practice of shunning parts of our human experience has led most of us to hide our vulnerabilities, our hurts and our fears. Yet, we so desperately want to be seen and loved in those parts. We crave for someone to look into those parts of us and say that part of us is beautiful too. What we truly crave is for US to look into ourselves, into those hidden parts, and give ourselves permission to just be there, to feel it, to own it, and for it to be “good”. As we shift into a new paradigm, we will no longer be allowed to ignore these soul lessons. We have come here to master FEELING and experiencing life. By passing such beauty would truly be a waste.
The old paradigm had people seeking connection to find themselves within and in the new paradigm we will seek connection within to find others externally. Therefore, we must first get clear on our own energetic blueprint, who we want to be and how we show up. This process takes time; time to rest, and I mean really rest. Resting our over-thinking minds of what-ifs and truly lean into the heart space and trusting you can be safe with yourself and your feelings. You can trust your internal cues, and you can trust that it is okay to be “unproductive” because you know that rest is productive. Our nervous system is the tree of life, and for a thought to manifest into a thing, it must first grow in the nervous system. Nothing grows when you resist it, it can only grow in acceptance. Part of our evolution is clearing out old nervous system “junk” and resetting ourselves back to factory settings. Settings that God programmed us with, not society.
In order to reset, you must give yourself permission to feel through your experiences, process the patterns, and determine the steps you want to take, not the steps you automatically would take if your nervous system was on guard and felt the need to protect itself. Rest allows our nervous system to get accustomed to the new idea, the new feeling and while we get accustomed to the idea our ego softens, and we become more receptive. Without the process of rest our ego would fight off the new to protect ourselves on a biological level from an “unwanted attack”. As humans we carry so much trauma in our bodies, that our nervous system cannot always differentiate between good and bad, it just feels something uncomfortable and wants to attack to bring our system back into homeostasis. The ego is not bad, it is there to keep us safe, yet until we become present in our bodies we will not be able to properly assess if the un-comfortability is a warning sign or a cue to expand. Our bodies are incredibly smart at picking up electro-magnetic cues from the environment and once we register a baseline within ourselves, we can then start to use our discernment to make decisions that are truly aligned with our soul and not aligned with programming we have adapted over the years. The longer you fight this resting period, this feeling period, the longer and harder it gets. Give yourself permission to be human, have feelings, and REST.
This last week we had some major planets lining up to help the collective further clear out old wounds. One way to look at astrology is to look at the current sky and see how collectively we all are being impacted, and then compare the transits to your personal chart to further see how you personally can move through these periods. This week we had the zodiac’s wounded healer planet, Chiron, conjunct the collective North node which symbolizes the direction we are moving in as a whole. This happened in the sign of Aries which could have added a little fire, a little passion to the wounds you were clearing out. All of this was in preparation for the full moon in Virgo this weekend which will shine light on areas in your life that you need to release negative habits, patterns, or people. It is time to be analytical about what you want in your life and what you don’t. How do you see yourself in the future? Do the people in your life bring out the best in you? Where can you release old patterning, old stories that have held you back from truly living your best life? How, when and with whom do you feel the freest to be yourself? Free to be safe, free to be opinionated, emotional, free to be passionate. Freedom is expansion within our souls and aligns us with the highest frequency of authenticity. We shine the brightest when we are authentic, and we allow others safety to do the same.
Resisting your truest expression, your calling, your signature will only cause roadblocks in your life. Allow yourself permission to feel the uncomfortable and grow through it. You are never alone, we are always growing and expanding together. Feeling the feels allows your body to release the blocks that have kept it from ascending to a higher frequency. Higher frequencies allow you to unlock your dreams, your visions, and serve the collective through your purpose. It’s time to give yourself and the world the truest expression of yourself. You are worth it and always have been.
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